Pirate Jokes and Humor
WARNING! Some Adult Content Below! Viewer Discretion Be Yer Choice Maties!
Parents don't be leavin' yer children's guidance in the hands of drunken vile scallywaggs
like us, else ye be keelhauled n feed to the sharks, cuz we ain't yer bloomin' babysitters.
So don't be emailing yours truly whimperin' bout how yer sweet lil daughter went runnin'
off with some dastardly johnny depp lookin' bloke, or how yer little johnny jackwagon
be mentally schizophrenic now after viewin' this site... constantly mutterin' arrrg!
An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting
their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch,
the seaman asks "So, how did ya end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant
wave swept me overboard. Just as they was pullin' me out, a school of sharks
appeared and one of them foul creatures bit me bloomin' leg off".
"Blimey!" said the seaman. "Thats awful unlucky... What about that hook"?
"Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a traders ship, with pistols blastin'
and swords swingin' this way and that. And in the fracas me hand got chopped clean off."
"Blimey!" remarked the seaman. "Ya don't say. And how did ye come by that eye patch"?
"Arrrgh.. a bloody seagull droppin' fell into me eye", answered the pirate.
"Ya lost yer eye to some seagull poopin' in it?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well," said the pirate; "ya see mate, it was me first day with this here hook......."
There once was an old pirate captain who had a son who had no ears.
One day the pirate captain picked up some new crew members.
As the new recruits got on board the captain told them about his son,
and that he was very sensitive about the fact that he had no ears.
If they offended his son by talking about his ears they would have to walk the plank!
These new pirates were naturally very nervous about meeting this boy.
Well, after a short time the new pirates finally happened to meet the captain's boy.
The first pirate tried not to look at him, but he couldn't handle it and kept staring.
The boy yelled "What are you looking at!?" Hurried to think of an excuse,
the pirate said "I was just admiring your hand! Take care of your hand,
or you will have to wear a hook like me." "Thank you for the advice", said the boy.
Soon a second new pirate encoutered the boy.
When he keep staring at him the boy said "What are you looking at!?"
"I was just admiring your leg," said the pirate. "You take care of your leg,
or you will have to wear a wooden leg like me!" "Thank you for the advice," said the boy.
Later the third new pirate encountered the boy and stared.
When the boy said "What are you looking at!?" the pirate said "I was just admiring your eyes.
You take care of your eyes laddie boy or you will have to wear glasses like me...
and you can't wear glasses, cuz you don't have any ears to hold em up with....."
A pirate and his parrot, were adrift in a lifeboat after their ship had sank.
While searching through the boat's provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie came forth. This particular Genie,
however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving any thought to the matter the thirsty pirate blurted out,
"Make the entire ocean into rum!"
The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately thereafter
the entire sea turned into the finest rum ever sampled by mere mortals.
Simultaneously, the Genie vanished. Now only the gentle lapping of rum
on the hull broke the stillness as the two considered their circumstances
The parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and after a tension-filled moment spoke:
"Now yee've done it!! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"
One morning a pirate noticed something floating towards the deserted
island that had become his home since his ship sank six months earlier.
As the object came closer, he realized that it was a large barrel. Soon
he could see that hanging onto the barrel was a very scantily clad woman.
In fact she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Arriving on shore the woman left the barrel and slowly and suggestively
walked towards him. She whispered into his ear, "I have something you want!"
The pirate then without hesitation, ran towards the breaking waves yelling,
"Don't tell me woman you got rum in that barrel!"
A large Humpback whale is lazily enjoying a beautiful day when he sees a female Humpback
whale just a little ways off, and he thinks to himself that he's going to try to impress her...
He swims over to her, and breeches the surface, showing off the large hump on his back.
She looked unimpressed as she breached and showed a larger more well formed hump herself.
Now, a little embarrassed, he tries again to impress her by taking a breath
and blowing a huge cloud of mist and water with a really nice rainbow in it.
Once again she's unimpressed and blew a larger cloud of mist, with a more beautiful rainbow.
Now clearly agitated, the Male sees a sailing vessel in the distance and races off toward it.
Just before he collides with the ship, he dives, jumps out of the water and as he sails
over the bow of the ship, he plucks a sailor off the deck and in one gulp swallows him whole!
He swam back to her very proud of himself, only to find her with a disgusted look on her face...
As she swam off she said..."I'll Hump, I'll Blow, BUT I WON'T SWALLOW SEAMEN!"
One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship, and
the crew became frantic. The captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my
red shirt!". The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and,
after donning the shirt, the captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.
Later on, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The crew cowered
in fear, but the captain calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!".
The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties.
That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs,
and one of them asked the captain: "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt
before each battle?" The captain replied: "If I am wounded in battle, the red
shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid".
All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of their captain.
As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN
pirate ships approaching. The men became silent and looked to their Captain for
his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!!"
A pirate walks into a tavern with a mangy, infected parrot on his shoulder.
The bartender says, "You shouldn't be that close to such a disgusting low-life animal."
The pirate says, "Arrr, it's ok matey, he's had his shots."
The bartender says... "HEY..I was talking to the parrot!"
There once was a pirate named Bates,
Who danced the Fandango on skates.
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates!
Pirate Jokes with Captain K - Talk Like a Pirate Day
A woman goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.
My pirate husband upon returning from sea, gave me two female parrots,
but it seems these silly birds only know how to squawk out one thing."
"Well what do they say?" the priest inquired. The woman replies,
"Hi, we're hookers laddies! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your little problem.
I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots here, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob.
My parrots can teach your female parrots to pray and worship,
and your parrots are sure to stop saying that foul phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "that sounds like a good idea."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
Upon entering, she saw that his two male parrots were in their cage,
somberly holding on to their rosary beads and quietly praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
"Hi, we're hookers laddies! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence in the room... Shocked, one male
parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,
"Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"
A pirate ship has been on a long voyage, and the men have grown terribly bored.
One of the crew happens to know a bunch of magic tricks, and begins a magic show.
His parrot, however, is quite gossipy and can't keep it's mouth shut.
The pirate begins his first trick, and the parrot gives it away by saying
"rawwk, the coin is in the other hand, rawwk!"
Frustrated, the pirate tries another trick, but again, the parrot gives it
away by blurting out "rawwk, look under the table, rawwk!"
This goes on for some time, to a point that the pirate can't manage
to perform anything spectacular to entertain the weary crew.
His anger towards his blabbermouth parrot eventually grows so phenomenal that
one night he gets very drunk and accidentally crashes the ship into some rocks.
Sobering up the next morning, he finds himself adrift on some wreckage.
The parrot, ever the attentive sidekick, happens to land next to him
looking quite puzzled.... the bird says to him:
"Rawwk, Okay, I give up, What did ya do with the boat, rawwk?"
A pirate and his crew were busy plundering a ship. When he entered the captain's quarters,
he saw the ships captain hunched over a table, obviously deep in thought.
When the captain didn't move, the pirate came closer with cutlass raised, but stopped
short when he noticed that the captain was involved in a game of chess ... with a parrot!
The pirate watched for a few seconds, and soon the captain made a move.
"Good move! Good move!" the parrot cried, "Nice! Nice!"
Well, needless to say, the pirate was quite impressed. "Arrgh, matey!
That be quite the talented parrot ye be playin' against thar," he said.
The captain looked up at the pirate, somewhat startled, as he had been so
involved with the game that he had not noticed him standing there.
"Ah, he's not so smart," he replied, "I've beaten the blighter two out of three."
"So what would the bird do if ye made a blunder?" asked the pirate.
"Somersaults," was the quick reply.
"Somersaults?" the pirate said, "That be incredble! How many would it be doin' then?"
"Ah," said the Captain, "That would depend on how hard I slap him."
A pirate walks into a bar, and swaggers up to the barkeep and demands a glass of rum.
I believe his exact words were "Your rum or your life, dog, what'll it be?".
And so the bartender, being a reasonable fellow, makes no complaint,
but simply grabs a large glass, a bottle of fine dark rum, and begins to pour.
As he's filling the glass he sizes up the pirate, having never seen a real pirate before.
This pirate is in full pirate gear. Gold earrings, patch over one eye,
a big filthy white blouse covering his swarthy chest, and tattoos everywhere.
But protruding from his pirate trousers is the unmistakable form of a steering wheel.
Well, the confused bartender passes the glass of rum across the bar to the pirate,
who takes a huge swig of the rum. then slaps a dubloon on the bartop as he turns to walk away,
The bartender's curiousity gets the best of him. "Hey mate, what's up with the steering wheel?"
The pirate replies with a glare from his lone eye. "Arrr, I don't know, but it's drivin' me nuts!"
A landlubber, a sailor, and an old pirate went into a tavern and
they each ordered a mug of rum. They all found a fly in their drink.
The landlubber looked into his mug and said, "Hey bartender,
I have a fly in my rum. Give me another drink."
The sailor looked into his mug, found the fly,
reached in an picked it out then continued drinking.
The old salty pirate looked into his mug, saw the fly,
grabbed it by it's wings, shook it over the glass and yelled,
"Spit it out, Spit it out!"
Captain Bogg & Salty - Pieces of 8ight
A young man is captured by pirates and is persuaded to join the crew rather than
walk the plank. After a few weeks at sea the Captain speaks to the man and asks
him how he is getting on. The man replies that on the whole he is enjoying things,
the rum-soaked drinking binges, the plundering, etc - but there was one thing missing.
"Arrr! What's that?" asks the Captain.
"Well, there are no women" replies the young man.
"Arrr!" says the Captain "Follow me!"
The man follows the captain to what appears to be a barrel, on top of the barrel
stands a coconut with a face drawn on and a few strands of wispy straw for hair.
On the barrel is a crude outline of a woman's body and between the legs is a bung hole.
"We calls her Carmen," says the Captain, "and ye may take her as ya will".
The man explains that he was unlikely to make use of her and goes on his way.
However, as the long months at sea drag by with no respite,
Carmen appears more and more attractive to the horny young man.
Finally he can resist her no longer and he has his wicked way with the barrel.
To his amazement the experience is far more satisfying than he could ever have imagined!
The next day the Captain makes a point to greet him again.
"How did ya get on with Carmen then, laddie?" he asks eagerly.
The man replies "Rather better than I thought... actually, it was rather good!"
"Argh!," says the Captain, with a great beaming smile on his black-bearded face.
"Then it be yer turn in the barrel tomorrow matey!"
As the crusty old pirate captain is breaking in a brand new sailing navigator.
He reaches down and pulls out his sharpened cutlass and rests it on the map table.
Then he asks the navigator, "Know what this is for matey?"
"No, sir," replies the young newbie.
"I use it on navigators that get us lost," explains the captain, with a wink.
The navigator then opens his coat, pulls out a pistol, and sets it on his chart table.
"What's THAT fer?" queries the surprised captain.
"Well, sir," replies the navigator, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
While celebrating his rich conquest, the drunken pirate captain staggered
to the top of the upper deck of his ship and then suddenly fell down the
stairs to the main deck. The First Mate saw him fall and rushed to his aid.
"Captain," he said, "did you miss a step?"
"No," said the captain, "I'm pretty sure I hit every one of um!"
On a pirate ship in high seas, the First Mate was on lookout for hazards from the crow's nest.
Suddenly, the ship was broadsided by a rogue wave, tossing the Mate from the nest!
He crashed through the upper deck and landed square into the Captain's quarters.
The Captain, surprised, says "Matey, ye be hurt!?"
"Narrrr Cap'n," replied the First Mate, "I've been through hardships before!"
Eli's Dirty Jokes - Episode 34
A new guy shows up for a job on a pirate ship.
He walks into the galley, where all the pirates are eating beans.
"I'm here for a job," he said. The pirate captain looks at him,
then sort of leans over and lets out a long, low, juicy fart.
All the pirates start farting, low and long. Soon, the place reeks.
The man, wanting to show that he's tough enough to be a pirate
tries to fart as well, but only manages a "Squeeeek, poot..."
Suddenly it gets very quiet in the galley, the captain stands up,
waiving his hook in the air and says: "I get the virgin!"
At the last port-of-call before a long voyage, a lonely pirate Captain decides
he needs a parrot. He heads to the port's birdkeeper, and finds the perfect
talkative parrot perched on its swing within. The keeper discloses, however,
that the bird was born with no legs, among another odd birth defect.
The Captain of course inquires, "How he be a 'holdin his ground?"
Smartly, the parrot replied "Rawwk! With me yardarm of course, Rawwk!"
to which the parrot opens his wings and reveals his other birth defect,
his wraparound length tally-whacker. The Captain is amazed at the impressive appendage,
and of course considers the parrot perfect among his mangy and motley pirate crew.
The Captain and his new parrot fast become talkative mates, and he wastes no
time in warning his feathery friend of his cunning and lecherous first mate,
Rusty Shotum. "A foul bosom's mate he is, he'll steal your wench from ye
just as fast as he'd drink the rum from yer mug!"
As they voyage on to the next port, the crew finds a slew of horny wenches,
of which the Captain always gets the first pick. He immediately picks the
sauciest wench of the bunch, taking well into account his devious first mate,
who now drools at the mere sight of her.
The Captain keeps his lady waiting in his quarters while he settles with
the mistress of the brothel, betting his first mate wouldn't be brazen
enough to plunder his choice pick so soon.
However, when the Captain returns to his cabin, his prized wench is gone,
and his friendly parrot begins to squawk about the terrible account.
The Captain is now incensed "What transpired 'ere, and where's me choice wench?"
"Rawwk! Rusty Shotum is all to blame, Rusty Shotum I swear me Cap'n, Rawwk!"
This further infuriates him "Tell me every bit of it or I'll 'ave ye defeathered 'n tarred!"
The bird musters his courage "Rawwk! He burst through the door and thrust her to the bed, Rawwk!"
The captain now is boiling. "And then what 'appened?"
His parrot begins to quiver "Rawwk! She moaned and begged him to drop his anchor, Rawwk!"
Then the Captain unsheathes his cutlass in a fit of anger,
pointing it at his feathery witness "Spare no detail or it's yer life!"
Shivering, his misplaced target of anger musters "Rawwk! She was clawing
for him to take her, begging him, pleading him 'Oh Rusty!, Oh Rusty!'"
To this, the maddened Captain thrusts the tip of his blade to the edge of the poor parrot's neck
"Every bloody detail or ye be walkin the plank and findin Davey Jones locker below!"
The bird swallows heavily and replies "Rawwk! Cap'n I can't bear witness to
what happened here next, Rawwk!... cuz that's when I fell right off me perch!"
Key & Peele - Pirate Chantey
Returning from sea, a pirate walks into the tavern of a village on the African coast.
As he is about to order his drink, he hears someone behind him say "Hey Cap'n,
haven't seen you in awhile, let me buy us a round." As the Captain turns about,
he is approached by a crooked, toothless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of a man,
standing less than three foot tall, with just a few strands of hair on his ugly head.
The Captain stares at him for a moment confused then says "Argh, Do I know you?"
The bartender brings the two men their drinks while listening to their conversation.
"Come on now Cap'n" says the little man "Tis your old First Mate here, Smithers"
The stunned Captain shakes his head in disbelief saying "That can't be swabbie,
Smithers is a handsome, rugged, virile man, towering over six foot in height."
"Last I saw him he was leading an expedition into the jungle in search of plunder."
Then the repulsive lil man begins to blabber on bout how he courageously lead his
men into the countryside... Looting, pillaging, and desecrating the local population
along the way... Then the bartender interrupted, "Never mind that now Smithers."
"Tell the Captain about the day you told that old witch doctor to Go Fuck Herself."
This Webpage Was Last Updated On: Jan 17, 2021
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