Pirate Jokes and Humor
A pirate walks into a tavern with a mangy, infected parrot on his shoulder.
The bartender says, "You shouldn't be that close to such a disgusting low-life animal."
The pirate says, "Arr, it's ok, he's had his shots."
Then the bartender says... "HEY..I was talking to the parrot!"
A pirate and his parrot, were adrift in a lifeboat after their ship had sank.
While searching through the boat's provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie came forth. This particular Genie,
however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving any thought to the matter the thirsty pirate blurted out,
"Make the entire ocean into rum!"
The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately thereafter
the entire sea turned into the finest rum ever sampled by mere mortals.
Simultaneously, the Genie vanished. Now only the gentle lapping of rum
on the hull broke the stillness as the two considered their circumstances
The parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and after a tension-filled moment spoke:
"Now yee've done it!! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"
One morning a pirate noticed something floating towards the deserted
island that had become his home since his ship sank six months earlier.
As the object came closer, he realized that it was a large barrel. Soon
he could see that hanging onto the barrel was a very scantily clad woman.
In fact she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Arriving on shore the woman left the barrel and slowly and suggestively
walked towards him. She whispered into his ear, "I have something you want!"
The pirate then without hesitation, ran towards the breaking waves yelling,
"Don't tell me ya got rum in that barrel!"
A young man is captured by pirates and is persuaded to join the crew rather than
walk the plank. After a few weeks at sea the Captain speaks to the man and asks
him how he is getting on. The man replies that on the whole he is enjoying things,
the rum-soaked drinking binges, the plundering, etc - but there was one thing missing.
"Arrr! What's that?" asks the Captain.
"Well, there are no women" replies the young man.
"Arrr!" says the Captain "Follow me!"
The man follows the captain to what appears to be a barrel, on top of the barrel
stands a coconut with a face drawn on and a few strands of wispy straw for hair.
On the barrel is a crude outline of a woman's body and between the legs is a bung hole.
"We calls her Carmen," says the Captain, "and ye may take her as ya will".
The man explains that he was unlikely to make use of her and goes on his way.
However, as the long months at sea drag by with no respite,
Carmen appears more and more attractive to the horny young man.
Finally he can resist her no longer and he has his wicked way with the barrel.
To his amazement the experience is far more satisfying than he could ever have imagined!
The next day the Captain makes a point to greet him again.
"How did ya get on with Carmen then, laddie?" he asks eagerly.
The man replies "Rather better than I thought... actually, it was rather good!"
"Argh!," says the Captain, with a great beaming smile on his black-bearded face.
"Then it be yer turn in the barrel tomorrow matey!"
An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting
their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch,
the seaman asks "So, how did ya end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant
wave swept me overboard. Just as they was pullin' me out, a school of sharks
appeared and one of them foul creatures bit me bloomin' leg off".
"Blimey!" said the seaman. "Thats awful unlucky... What about that hook"?
"Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a traders ship, with pistols blastin'
and swords swingin' this way and that. And in the fracas me hand got chopped clean off."
"Blimey!" remarked the seaman. "Ya don't say... And how did ye come by that
eye patch"? "Argh.. a bloody seagull droppin' fell into me eye", answered the pirate.
"Ya lost yer eye to a seagull droppin'?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well..." said the pirate; "ya see mate, it was me first day with this here hook........."
A pirate ship has been on a long voyage, and the men have grown terribly bored.
One of the crew happens to know a bunch of magic tricks, and begins a magic show.
His parrot, however, is quite gossipy and can't keep it's mouth shut.
The pirate begins his first trick, and the parrot gives it away by saying
"rawwk, the coin is in the other hand, rawwk!"
Frustrated, the pirate tries another trick, but again, the parrot gives it
away by blurting out "rawwk, look under the table, rawwk!"
This goes on for some time, to a point that the pirate can't manage
to perform anything spectacular to entertain the weary crew.
His anger towards his blabbermouth parrot eventually grows so phenomenal that
one night he gets very drunk and accidentally crashes the ship into some rocks.
Sobering up the next morning, he finds himself adrift on some wreckage.
The parrot, ever the attentive sidekick, happens to land next to him
looking quite puzzled.... the bird says to him:
"Rawwk, Okay, I give up, What'd ya do with the boat?"
A landlubber, a sailor, and an old salty pirate went into a tavern and
they each ordered a mug of rum. They all found a fly in their drink.
The landlubber looked into his mug and said, "Hey bartender,
I have a fly in my rum. Give me another drink."
The sailor looked into his mug, found the fly,
reached in an picked it out then continued drinking.
The old salty pirate looked into his mug, saw the fly,
grabbed it by it's wings, shook it over the glass and yelled,
"Spit it out, Spit it out!"
A pirate and his crew were busy plundering a ship. When he entered the captain's quarters,
he saw the ships captain hunched over a table, obviously deep in thought.
When the captain didn't move, the pirate came closer with cutlass raised,
but stopped short when he noticed that the captain was involved in a game of chess ... with a parrot!
The pirate watched for a few seconds, and soon the captain made a move.
"Good move! Good move!" the parrot cried, "Nice! Nice!"
Well, needless to say, the pirate was quite impressed. "Arrgh, matey!
That be quite the talented parrot ye be playin' against thar," he said.
The captain looked up at the pirate, somewhat startled, as he had been so
involved with the game that he had not noticed him standing there.
"Ahh, he's not so smart," he replied, "I've beaten the blighter two out of three."
"So what would the bird do if ye made a blunder?" asked the pirate.
"Somersaults," was the quick reply.
"Somersaults?" the pirate said, "That be incredble! How many would it be doin' then?"
"Ahh," said the Captain, "That would depend on how hard I slap him."
One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship, and
the crew became frantic. The captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my
red shirt!". The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and,
after donning the shirt, the captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.
Later on, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The crew cowered
in fear, but the captain calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!".
The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties.
That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs,
and one of them asked the captain: "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt
before each battle?" The captain replied: "If I am wounded in battle, the red
shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid".
All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of their captain.
As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN
pirate ships approaching. The men became silent and looked to their Captain
for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!!"
As the crusty old pirate captain is breaking in a brand new sailing navigator.
The captain reaches down and pulls out his sharpened cutlass and rests it on the map table.
He asks the navigator, "Know what this is for matey?"
"No, sir," replies the young newbie.
"Aye use it on navigators that get us lost," explains the captain, with a wink.
The navigator then opens his coat, pulls out a pistol, and sets it on his chart table.
"What's THAT fer?" queries the surprised captain.
"Well, sir," replies the navigator, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
While celebrating his rich conquest, the drunken pirate captain staggered
to the top of the upper deck of his ship and then suddenly fell down the
stairs to the main deck. The First Mate saw him fall and rushed to his aid.
"Captain," he said, "did you miss a step?"
"No," said the captain, "I'm pretty sure I hit every one of um!"
At the last port-of-call before a long voyage, a lonely pirate Captain decides
he needs a parrot. He heads to the port's birdkeeper, and finds the perfect
talkative parrot perched on its swing within. The keeper discloses, however,
that the bird was born with no legs, among another odd birth defect.
The Captain of course inquires, "How he be a 'holdin his ground?"
Smartly, the parrot replied "Rawwk! With me yardarm of course, Rawwk!"
to which the parrot opens his wings and reveals his other birth defect,
his wraparound length tally-whacker. The Captain is amazed at the impressive appendage,
and of course considers the parrot perfect among his mangy and motley pirate crew.
The Captain and his new parrot fast become talkative mates, and he wastes no
time in warning his feathery friend of his cunning and lecherous first mate,
Rusty Shotum. "A foul bosom's mate he is, he'll steal your wench from ye
just as fast as he'd drink the rum from yer mug!"
As they voyage on to the next port, the crew finds a slew of horny wenches,
of which the Captain always gets the first pick. He immediately picks the
sauciest wench of the bunch, taking well into account his devious first mate,
who now drools at the mere sight of her.
The Captain keeps his lady waiting in his quarters while he settles with
the mistress of the brothel, betting his first mate wouldn't be brazen
enough to plunder his choice pick so soon.
However, when the Captain returns to his cabin, his prized wench is gone,
and his friendly parrot begins to squawk about the terrible account.
The Captain is now incensed "What transpired 'ere, and where's me choice wench?"
"Rawwk! Rusty Shotum is all to blame, Rusty Shotum I swear me Cap'n, Rawwk!"
This further infuriates him "Tell me every bit of it or I'll 'ave ye defeathered 'n tarred!"
The bird musters his courage "Rawwk! He burst through the door and thrust her to the bed, Rawwk!"
The captain now is boiling. "And then what 'appened?"
His parrot begins to quiver "Rawwk! She moaned and begged him to drop his anchor, Rawwk!"
Then the Captain unsheathes his cutlass in a fit of anger,
pointing it at his feathery witness "Spare no detail or it's yer life!"
Shivering, his misplaced target of anger musters "Rawwk! She was clawing
for him to take her, begging him, pleading him 'Oh Rusty!, Oh Rusty!'"
To this, the maddened Captain thrusts the tip of his blade to the edge of the poor parrot's neck
"Every bloody detail or ye be walkin the plank and findin Davey Jones locker below!"
The bird swallows heavily and replies "Rawwk! Cap'n I can't bear witness to
what happened here next, Rawwk!... cuz that's when I fell right off me perch!"
Captain Bogg & Salty - Pieces of 8ight
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