Pirate Jokes and Humor WARNING! Some Adult Content Below! Viewer Discretion Be Yer Choice Maties! Parents don't be leavin' yer children's guidance in the hands of drunken vile scallywaggs like us, else ye be keelhauled n feed to the sharks, cuz we ain't yer bloomin' babysitters. So don't be emailing yours truly whimperin' bout how yer sweet lil daughter went runnin' off with some dastardly johnny depp lookin' bloke, or how yer little johnny jackwagon be mentally schizophrenic now after viewin' this site... constantly mutterin' arrrg! An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch, the seaman asks "So, how did ya end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they was pullin' me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of them foul creatures bit me bloomin' leg off". "Blimey!" said the seaman. "Thats awful unlucky... What about that hook"? "Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a traders ship, with pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. And in the fracas me hand got chopped clean off." "Blimey!" remarked the seaman. "Ya don't say... And how did ye come by that eye patch"? "Argh.. a bloody seagull droppin' fell into me eye", answered the pirate. "Ya lost yer eye to a seagull droppin'?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Well..." said the pirate; "ya see mate, it was me first day with this here hook......." 
What is the pirate's favorite subject in school? Arrrt Why did the pirate get a gym membership? So he could improve his booty. What do pirates fear the most? A sunken chest and no booty Where do you find the pirate who looses his wooden leg? Right where you left him. There once was an old pirate captain who had a son who had no ears. One day the pirate captain picked up some new crew members. As the new recruits got on board the captain told them about his son, and that he was very sensitive about the fact that he had no ears. If they offended his son by talking about his ears they would have to walk the plank! These new pirates were naturally very nervous about meeting this boy. Well, after a short time the new pirates finally happened to meet the captain's boy. The first pirate tried not to look at him, but he couldn't handle it and kept staring. The boy yelled "What are you looking at!?" Hurried to think of an excuse, the pirate said "I was just admiring your hand! Take care of your hand, or you will have to wear a hook like me." "Thank you for the advice", said the boy. Soon a second new pirate encoutered the boy. When he keep staring at him the boy said "What are you looking at!?" "I was just admiring your leg," said the pirate. "You take care of your leg, or you will have to wear a wooden leg like me!" "Thank you for the advice," said the boy. Later the third new pirate encountered the boy and stared. When the boy said "What are you looking at!?" the pirate said "I was just admiring your eyes. You take care of your eyes laddie boy or you will have to wear glasses like me... and you can't wear glasses, cuz you don't have any ears to hold em up with....." Captain Bogg & Salty - Pieces of 8ight Why do pirates not cry in public? They like their private-tears. How do pirates motivate each other during a race? Rum bottle, RUM! Why is being a pirate so addictive? Because once you lose your first hand, you get hooked! What do you call a pirate with no eyes and no legs? An Expert A pirate and his parrot, were adrift in a lifeboat after their ship had sank. While searching through the boat's provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie came forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving any thought to the matter the thirsty pirate blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into rum!" The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately thereafter the entire sea turned into the finest rum ever sampled by mere mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished. Now only the gentle lapping of rum on the hull broke the stillness as the two considered their circumstances The parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and after a tension-filled moment spoke: "Now yee've done it!! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!" 
What did the Pirate Lawyer use for winning a case? Solid Arrrguments Why was the pirate worried about the paper towel on his forehead? There was a Bounty on his head What did the pirate say to the flying hooker? Land ho. Why are pirates never cremated when they die? They always bury their booty. One morning a pirate noticed something floating towards the deserted island that had become his home since his ship sank six months earlier. As the object came closer, he realized that it was a large barrel. Soon he could see that hanging onto the barrel was a very scantily clad woman. In fact she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Arriving on shore the woman left the barrel and slowly and suggestively walked towards him. She whispered into his ear, "I have something you want!" The pirate then without hesitation, ran towards the breaking waves yelling, "Don't tell me woman you got rum in that barrel!" 
What is a pirates least favorite letter. A letter from The Court Why couldn't the pirates play cards? Because the captain was standing on the deck! What games do parrots like to play? Hide and speak Why do pirate's hate dating? They keep getting slapped when they say YO-HO! A large Humpback whale is lazily enjoying a beautiful day when he sees a female Humpback whale just a little ways off, and he thinks to himself that he's going to try to impress her... He swims over to her, and breeches the surface, showing off the large hump on his back. She looked unimpressed as she breached and showed a larger more well formed hump herself. Now, a little embarrassed, he tries again to impress her by taking a breath and blowing a huge cloud of mist and water with a really nice rainbow in it. Once again she's unimpressed and blew a larger cloud of mist, with a more beautiful rainbow. Now clearly agitated, the Male sees a sailing vessel in the distance and races off toward it. Just before he collides with the ship, he dives, jumps out of the water and as he sails over the bow of the ship, he plucks a sailor off the deck and in one gulp swallows him whole! He swam back to her very proud of himself, only to find her with a disgusted look on her face... As she swam off she said..."I'll Hump, I'll Blow, BUT I WON'T SWALLOW SEAMEN!" 
Why did the pirate go to see the plastic surgeon? He wanted to have a bigger booty Which country do pirates like to visit the most? Arrrrrrgentina! Why children under seventeen can't see pirates movies? They are Rated Arrr How do pirates discipline their children? Stern-ly One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic. The captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!". The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and, after donning the shirt, the captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates. Later on, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!". The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs, and one of them asked the captain: "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before each battle?" The captain replied: "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid". All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of their captain. As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!!" 
What made the sailor join a pirate ship? Pier pressure Why did the pirate go to the rehab clinic? He was hooked What did the ocean say to the pirate when they first met? Nothing, it just waved! Why do pirates really like pizza? Because it usually comes in Pieces o' Eight. A pirate walks into a tavern with a mangy, infected parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, "You shouldn't be that close to such a disgusting low-life animal." The pirate says, "Arrr, it's ok matey, he's had his shots." The bartender says... "HEY..I was talking to the parrot!" A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man with ragged clothes and an eyepatch running around waving his arms and screaming excitedly. "Captain'" one passenger asks, "who is that man over there?" "I have no idea'" the captain says, "but he seems to love cruises, he always go's crazy whenever he sees us go by." Pirate Jokes with Captain K - Talk Like a Pirate Day 
How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buck an ear! What happened to the red pirate's crew when they encountered the blue pirate's crew? They got marooned. Why did the pirate file for a divorce from his wife? Because they were always Arrrguing What would Santa say if he was a pirate? Yo ho ho! A woman goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. My pirate husband upon returning from sea, gave me two female parrots, but it seems these silly birds only know how to squawk out one thing." "Well what do they say?" the priest inquired. The woman replies, "Hi, we're hookers laddies! Do you want to have some fun?" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your little problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots here, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your female parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that foul phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "that sounds like a good idea." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. Upon entering, she saw that his two male parrots were in their cage, somberly holding on to their rosary beads and quietly praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers laddies! Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence in the room... Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!" 
What has 7 legs, 7 arms and seven eyes? Seven pirates Why don't pirates take a bath before walking the plank? Because they will later wash up on the shore. What did the cop say when he decided not to give the pirate a ticket? You're off the hook for now Mister. Why did the pirate go on a holiday? He just needed some ARRR and ARRR. A pirate ship has been on a long voyage, and the men have grown terribly bored. One of the crew happens to know a bunch of magic tricks, and begins a magic show. His parrot, however, is quite gossipy and can't keep it's mouth shut. The pirate begins his first trick, and the parrot gives it away by saying "rawwk, the coin is in the other hand, rawwk!" Frustrated, the pirate tries another trick, but again, the parrot gives it away by blurting out "rawwk, look under the table, rawwk!" This goes on for some time, to a point that the pirate can't manage to perform anything spectacular to entertain the weary crew. His anger towards his blabbermouth parrot eventually grows so phenomenal that one night he gets very drunk and accidentally crashes the ship into some rocks. Sobering up the next morning, he finds himself adrift on some wreckage. The parrot, ever the attentive sidekick, happens to land next to him looking quite puzzled.... the bird says to him: "Rawwk, Okay, I give up, What did ya do with the boat, rawwk?" 
Why did two pirates get into a fight? Because they didn't see Aye to Aye. What does the Apple Pirate wear? An iPatch! Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? Because they can spend years at C! What does a pirate use his cell phone for? Booty calls A pirate and his crew were busy plundering a ship. When he entered the captain's quarters, he saw the ships captain hunched over a table, obviously deep in thought. When the captain didn't move, the pirate came closer with cutlass raised, but stopped short when he noticed that the captain was involved in a game of chess ... with a parrot! The pirate watched for a few seconds, and soon the captain made a move. "Good move! Good move!" the parrot cried, "Nice! Nice!" Well, needless to say, the pirate was quite impressed. "Arrgh, matey! That be quite the talented parrot ye be playin' against thar," he said. The captain looked up at the pirate, somewhat startled, as he had been so involved with the game that he had not noticed him standing there. "Ahh, he's not so smart," he replied, "I've beaten the blighter two out of three." "So what would the bird do if ye made a blunder?" asked the pirate. "Somersaults," was the quick reply. "Somersaults?" the pirate said, "That be incredble! How many would it be doin' then?" "Ah," said the Captain, "That would depend on how hard I slap him." 
What's a pirate's favorite juice? Hi C Why did the pirate put a belt on a pumpkin? To become a squashbuckler What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck. Why didn't the pirate answer his phone? Because he left it off the hook. A pirate walks into a bar, and swaggers up to the barkeep and demands a glass of rum. I believe his exact words were "Your rum or your life, dog, what'll it be?". And so the bartender, being a reasonable fellow, makes no complaint, but simply grabs a large glass, a bottle of fine dark rum, and begins to pour. As he's filling the glass he sizes up the pirate, having never seen a real pirate before. This pirate is in full pirate gear. Gold earrings, patch over one eye, a big filthy white blouse covering his swarthy chest, and tattoos everywhere. But protruding from his pirate trousers is the unmistakable form of a steering wheel. Well, the confused bartender passes the glass of rum across the bar to the pirate, who takes a huge swig of the rum. then slaps a doubloon on the bar top as he turns to walk away, The bartender's curiousity gets the best of him. "Hey mate, what's up with the steering wheel?" The pirate replies with a glare from his lone eye. "Arrr, I don't know, but it's drivin' me nuts!" 
What do pirates wear when it's cold? Long Johns How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook? An arm and a leg. What kind of ship is most feared by pirates? A steady relation-ship What's the name of the world's most frugal pirate? Barry D. Treasure A landlubber, a sailor, and an old salty pirate went into a tavern and they each ordered a mug of rum. They all found a fly in their drink. The landlubber looked into his mug and said, "Hey bartender, I have a fly in my rum. Give me another drink." The sailor looked into his mug, found the fly, reached in an picked it out then continued drinking. The old salty pirate looked into his mug, saw the fly, grabbed it by it's wings, shook it over the glass and yelled, "Spit it out, Spit it out!" There once was a pirate named Bates, Who danced the Fandango on skates. He fell on his cutlass Which rendered him nutless And practically useless on dates! Hangin' Willie - Pirate Song 
What does a dyslexic pirate say? RRRRRRA! Why pirates are the worst at first aid? Because they use Sea Pee Arrg Where do pirates put their weapons? In their enemies. Why did the pirate buy the ship? It was on sail A young man is captured by pirates and is persuaded to join the crew rather than walk the plank. After a few weeks at sea the Captain speaks to the man and asks him how he is getting on. The man replies that on the whole he is enjoying things, the rum-soaked drinking binges, the plundering, etc - but there was one thing missing. "Arrr! What's that?" asks the Captain. "Well, there are no women" replies the young man. "Arrr!" says the Captain "Follow me!" The man follows the captain to what appears to be a barrel, on top of the barrel stands a coconut with a face drawn on and a few strands of wispy straw for hair. On the barrel is a crude outline of a woman's body and between the legs is a bung hole. "We calls her Carmen," says the Captain, "and ye may take her as ya will". The man explains that he was unlikely to make use of her and goes on his way. However, as the long months at sea drag by with no respite, Carmen appears more and more attractive to the horny young man. Finally he can resist her no longer and he has his wicked way with the barrel. To his amazement the experience is far more satisfying than he could ever have imagined! The next day the Captain makes a point to greet him again. "How did ya get on with Carmen then, laddie?" he asks eagerly. The man replies "Rather better than I thought... actually, it was rather good!" "Argh!," says the Captain, with a great beaming smile on his black-bearded face. "Then it be yer turn in the barrel tomorrow matey!" 
What's a pirate's favorite entertainment? The plank! What did the pirate say when he left his wooden leg in the refrigerator? Shiver me timbers! How did the pirate become nut free? He got an itch and used this hook to scratch em. What do you call a pirate with two eyes, two hands and two legs? A Rookie. As the crusty old pirate captain is breaking in a young new sailing navigator. He reaches down and pulls out his sharpened cutlass and rests it on the map table. Then he asks the navigator, "Know what this is for matey?" "No, sir," replies the young newbie. "I use it on navigators that get us lost," explains the captain, with a wink. The navigator then opens his coat, pulls out a pistol, and sets it on his chart table. "What's THAT fer?" queries the surprised captain. "Well, sir," replies the navigator, "I'll know we're lost before you will." 
What do you call a stupid pirate? The pillage idiot! Where do pirates with a wooden leg like to go for breakfast? IHOP What sounds like a parrot but is orange? A carrot Why are pirates good at singing? Because they can hit the high seas While celebrating his rich conquest, the drunken pirate captain staggered to the top of the upper deck of his ship and then suddenly fell down the stairs to the main deck. The First Mate saw him fall and rushed to his aid. "Captain," he said, "did you miss a step?" "No," said the captain, "I'm pretty sure I hit every one of um!" On a pirate ship in high seas, the First Mate was on lookout for hazards from the crow's nest. Suddenly, the ship was broadsided by a rogue wave, tossing the Mate from the nest! He crashed through the upper deck and landed square into the Captain's quarters. The Captain, surprised, says "Matey, ye be hurt!?" "Narrrr Cap'n," replied the First Mate, "I've been through hardships before!" Eli's Dirty Jokes - Episode 34 Why do pirates go to second hand stores? To buy their hooks What doll do pirates play with? Barrrrbie? Why don't pirates go to strip clubs? Because they already have all the booty! What happens if you take the p out of a pirate? He becomes irate! A new guy shows up for a job on a pirate ship. He walks into the galley, where all the pirates are eating beans. "I'm here for a job," he said. The pirate captain looks at him, then sort of leans over and lets out a long, low, juicy fart. All the pirates start farting, low and long. Soon, the place reeks. The man, wanting to show that he's tough enough to be a pirate tries to fart as well, but only manages a "Squeeeek, poot..." Suddenly it gets very quiet in the galley, the captain stands up, waiving his hook in the air and says: "I get the virgin!" 
What is a pirates favorite music genre? Arrr & B Which part of their houses do pirates like best? Their backyarrrrds. What did the first mate see down the toilet? The Captain's log! What is a pirate's favorite fast food? Arrr-by's At the last port-of-call before a long voyage, a lonely pirate Captain decides he needs a parrot. He heads to the port's birdkeeper, and finds the perfect talkative parrot perched on its swing within. The keeper discloses, however, that the bird was born with no legs, among another odd birth defect. The Captain of course inquires, "How he be a 'holdin his ground?" Smartly, the parrot replied "Rawwk! With me yardarm of course, Rawwk!" to which the parrot opens his wings and reveals his other birth defect, his wraparound length tally-whacker. The Captain is amazed at the impressive appendage, and of course considers the parrot perfect among his mangy and motley pirate crew. The Captain and his new parrot fast become talkative mates, and he wastes no time in warning his feathery friend of his cunning and lecherous first mate, Rusty Shotum. "A foul bosom's mate he is, he'll steal your wench from ye just as fast as he'd drink the rum from yer mug!" As they voyage on to the next port, the crew finds a slew of horny wenches, of which the Captain always gets the first pick. He immediately picks the sauciest wench of the bunch, taking well into account his devious first mate, who now drools at the mere sight of her. The Captain keeps his lady waiting in his quarters while he settles with the mistress of the brothel, betting his first mate wouldn't be brazen enough to plunder his choice pick so soon. However, when the Captain returns to his cabin, his prized wench is gone, and his friendly parrot begins to squawk about the terrible account. The Captain is now incensed "What transpired 'ere, and where's me choice wench?" "Rawwk! Rusty Shotum is all to blame, Rusty Shotum I swear me Cap'n, Rawwk!" This further infuriates him "Tell me every bit of it or I'll 'ave ye defeathered 'n tarred!" The bird musters his courage "Rawwk! He burst through the door and thrust her to the bed, Rawwk!" The captain now is boiling. "And then what 'appened?" His parrot begins to quiver "Rawwk! She moaned and begged him to drop his anchor, Rawwk!" Then the Captain unsheathes his cutlass in a fit of anger, pointing it at his feathery witness "Spare no detail or it's yer life!" Shivering, his misplaced target of anger musters "Rawwk! She was clawing for him to take her, begging him, pleading him 'Oh Rusty!, Oh Rusty!'" To this, the maddened Captain thrusts the tip of his blade to the edge of the poor parrot's neck "Every bloody detail or ye be walkin the plank and findin Davey Jones locker below!" The bird swallows heavily and replies "Rawwk! Cap'n I can't bear witness to what happened here next, Rawwk!... cuz that's when I fell right off me perch!" Key & Peele - Pirate Chantey What was the pirate boxer's biggest strength? His left hook! Why does the pirate travels by ship? Because he let his car'-go What a pirate's favorite hair style? The crew cut! Why are algebra teachers secretly pirates? They are always looking for X Returning from sea, a pirate walks into the tavern of a village on the African coast. As he is about to order his drink, he hears someone behind him say "Hey Cap'n, haven't seen you in awhile, let me buy us a round." As the Captain turns about, he is approached by a crooked, toothless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of a man, with just a few strands of hair on his ugly head, who stands less than three foot tall. The Captain stares at him for a moment confused then says "Argh, Do I know you?" The bartender brings the two men their drinks while listening to their conversation. "Come on now Cap'n" says the little man "Tis your old first mate here, Smithers" The stunned Captain shakes his head in disbelief saying "Ye can't be him laddie, Smithers is a handsome, rugged, virile man, towering over six foot in height." "Last I saw him he was leading an expedition into the jungle in search of plunder." Then the repulsive lil man begins to blabber on bout how he courageously lead his men into the countryside... Looting, pillaging, and desecrating the local population along the way... Then the bartender interrupted, "Never mind that now Smithers." "Tell the Captain about the day you told that old witch doctor to Go Fuck Herself."
50 Scurvy Pirate Pickup Lines 2 - "A good captain goes down with his ship. Wanna go down with me?" 3 - "Pardon me, but would ye mind if I fired me cannon through your porthole?" 4 - "Me skull and crossbones aren't the only things I plan on raisin' tonight!" 5 - "Care if my parrot watches while ye board me ship?" 6 - "Strike yer panties and prepare to be boarded, lassie!" 7 - "I sure would like to pillage yer booty." 8 - "How'd you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?" 9 - "I'd swab your deck any day." 10 - "Haaaarrrr! Best me plug that blowhole!" 11 - "One look at you and a shiver went up me timber." 12 - "Have ye ever met a man with a real yardarm?" 13 - "I'd love to drop me anchor in your lagoon." 14 - "Is that a cutlass in your pants or aarrrr you just happy to see me treasure chest?" 15 - "Me peg leg isn't the only wood around..." 16 - "How bout coming back with me and see me urchins." 17 - "Me cannon's primed and loaded. Will you help me with me balls?" 18 - "It's time to make the Seamen walk the plank into Davey Jones' Locker, if ye know what me means!" 19 - "Are ye seaworthy? Cause me going to ride yer schooner till dawn!" 20 - "I must be huntin' treasure, cause I'm diggin' yer chest!" 21 - "Baby, you unfurl my sails." 22 - "Yo ho ho! I've got a bottle of rum and a penchant for making drunken mistakes." 23 - "Aye, I guarantee ye, I've had a twenty percent decrease in me lice ratio!" 24 - "Ya certainly know how to put the shiver in me timber!" 25 - "That's the finest pirate booty I've ever laid me eye on." 26 - "Prepare to be boarded!" 27 - "I've sailed the seven seas, and you're the sleekest schooner I've ever sighted." 28 - "That's some treasure chest you've got there." 29 - "Yo, ho! Bottle of rum?" 30 - "I got me a bad case of scurvy, and your grapefruits be the only cure!" 31 - "Can I help making your roger a little more jolly?" 32 - "You're just the tasty wench I've been keeping me eye out for!" 33 - "Pull up me skirt and I'll show ye, me urchin laddie." 34 - "Ya know, darlin', I'm 97 percent chum free." 35 - "Surrender the booty!" 36 - "Want to go back to me ship and rock the boat?" 37 - "They don't call me Long John because my head is so big." 38 - "Let's have a party 'n invite yer pants to come on down." 39 - "I lost me virginity. Can I have yers?" 40 - "Have ye ever met a strumpet with a bad case of scurvy?" 41 - "Arrrrr, I be about to plunder ye Treasure Island." 42 - "Do you have a mirror in yer pocket cause I can see meself in yer pants." 43 - "Ahoy, I be lookin' fer booty. Mind if me parrot looks around yer chest?" 44 - "What has 36 teeth 'n holds back the Kraken? Me zipper." 45 - "I'll be the captain if you be me first mate." 46 - "Nice poop deck on ye, lady. Care for a swabbin'?" 47 - "So you're the new cabin boy, eh?" 48 - "Bring yer pistol, bring yer gun, how bout we go down below and have some fun?" 49 - "Let's get together and haul some keel." 50 -"Well, blow me down." 
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